What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 11:44
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was 9 years of age.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
(And it was in our own minds.)
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She married twice! .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But it wasn’t much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What can help me fall asleep at night?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
All the time i was locked up.
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It was going to be , some day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He knew the spot.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why are Boomers so vehemently opposed to student loan forgiveness?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My life is so biszare .
Who then, do I blame.?
We all went to grammer schools
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was seconnd youngest,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were not on the streets..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was very sick at this time too.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
What did i know ?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Comes on , in middle age.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ive learnt so much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im still living with it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I have no regrets .
One cannot live in the past .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I write beautiful poetry .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
When she asked me how she looked .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why did i forgive my father ?
So whats the point in blame.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was scared of men, in general
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But, we were locked up after school.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I don,t even have a pension.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She wouldn,t have been !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So, i spoilt her more .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And i lived it daily.
I think the readers, may guess!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was in good health!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My family never makes their pension either.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She loved him until the end.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I said to her
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is soul school!.
Put me off passion for life!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She found it foreign!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I will be 64.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.